Chris Sheppard » family

Don’t Bite the Hand that Cleans You

Mr. Chris — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 02:12:49 +0000

The last quarter of the year is always difficult for Sheppard House. Every October our necessary obligations escalate into an avalanche that clogs the family calendar until January. Every year we get a little better at taming the holiday schedule. This year our deft family management ushered in the tranquility that accompanies the new year nearly a month early. Elise even managed to apply some of the slack in the schedule to whittle through some items we placed on the back burner. Among them was dental appointments.

As the dental hygienist made conversation she made a passing mention at the volume of business the dentist oversees near Christmas. She could not understand why so many people scheduled dental appointments around the holidays. I politely explained that dentists were in a service industry, yet they work the same hours as their clients. Hence, the clients must use their time off to schedule service. I compared it to banks, who have recently begun to change their schedules. Although my point was valid I probably should have held my tongue until she was finished wielding those sharp instruments in my mouth. Mental note: dental hygienists are very protective of their office hours.

Settlers of Catan

Mr. Chris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:47:51 +0000

The end of our last family holiday gathering concluded with a cut-throat game of Settlers of Catan between the Sheppards and the Shaffers. No surprise, I brought home the gold. Settlers of Catan has been my favorite board game since I discovered the game 2 years ago. The only trouble is finding people to play with. I decided to summarize the rules while showing exactly how the game is designed to maximize everyone’s fun. Maybe I can win a few new fans. However, I must warn you. You won’t find this game in Walmart next to Milton Bradley’s greatest hits. Settlers of Catan is the breakaway hit generated by “independent games”. A special breed of geeks develops cultish followings many independent games which are often kept in a corner of your local comic book store. However, just as Star Wars has more mainstream appeal than Battlefield Earth, Catan has earned a spot on the shelfs at Target and some bookstores due to the recognition it received for the many awards it has won throughout the world.

The game board is a large island made of different hex shaped tiles. Each type of tile is associated with geography and that geography’s natural resource. Forests produce wood. Mountains produce ore. Dice rolls determine which tiles produce resources and players with towns next to those tiles collect the corresponding resource. This means that at the opening of each player’s turn, any player is likely to get new resources. Players return their resources in order to build more towns which must be connected by roads. Everyone is encouraged to trade in order to get the combination of resources they need. No one plays a mere spectator between turns. There is always something to keep players attention.

The game punishes people that hoard cards, further motivating players to trade in order to gain what they need. When any player rolls a 7, anyone hoarding more than 7 resource cards must discard half their hand. That player must also move the “robber”. The robber is a figure on the board. The hex tile he resides on is incapable of producing resources even if the number of the tile is rolled. The tile can produce resources only after the robber is moved again. Players can move the robber by playing “army” cards they draw from a deck of utility cards that can be purchased with their resources. This is one of the few means players can attempt to block another player’s path to victory.

No one enjoys playing a game when failure is certain and slow. Settlers of Catan avoids that problem in three ways. First, there are many different ways to win the game. The goal is to earn 10 victory points. Victory points are earned in many different ways. Points are awarded for towns. Certain utility cards the players can purchase award victory points. Two points are awarded for maintaining the longest road or the largest army. Largest army refers to the player who has played the most army cards during the game. The variety of means helps to avoid situations where players have no means to win. Chances are likely there is some way a player can word towards victory points.

Second, the social aspect of the game levels the playing field. Players are unwilling to trade with players on the cusp of winning. They are much more willing to trade with people they don’t see as threatening. Hence, those far behind progress quickly and others stall just before victory.

Just as a slow demise is frustrating, large swings in the score make for an exciting game. Yet too many swings can make the game seem too random. As you may recall, players can invoke a 4 point swing by building the largest road or army, both of which are fairly cheap. A 4 point swing can reduce a hefty lead like 8 – 4 to a mere tie.

Have I earned your interest? If so, go buy a copy and share it with your friends. Folks with an Xbox can play a version in the on-line arcade. Give me a call when you find time. I’m always up for a game.

More Appliance Woes…

Mr. Chris — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 11:00:04 +0000

Why do I feel compelled to write about our new appliance purchases? -sigh-

The washer I bought right out of college had been suffering from senile dementia. She was the first washer I owned. I bought her right out of college. Freed from the fetters of the laundry mat, I could leave my laundry unattended. It served as a perfect excuse for friends to waste a few hours at my place. Eight years later she began eating holes in our towels and leaving spots of bleach on our colors. Elise asked me to put her down. I reluctantly agreed.

It wasn’t long ago I agreed to invest in a larger fridge. You may recall not long before that our microwave and dishwasher were sabotaged. Our oven isn’t the one that came with the house. Frustrated with flimsy appliances, I calculated that the cost per week of my washer and dryer (disregarding utility costs) was about $2.00. Two dollars!? The laundry mat only charged $0.75 to wash a load, and the price included power and water! I concluded the in-home washer is just a dream perpetuated by the Whirlpool and Maytag to boost their bottom lines. They don’t save money! I contemplated forming a lobby to have the government subsidize the laundry appliance industry.

Elise did lots of research and we took home a new lower end, front loading Frigidaire dryer and a matching refurbished washer. The cost was on par with my original washer, but the appliances had come a long way since then. Both are so quiet we plan to replace the linen closet doors with a curtain. They weighs each load to compensate for different sizes. Each shows the estimate time remaining until the load will be complete. They also feature more features for delicate lady clothes, even though we took the model with the fewest bells and whistles. Both use less water and power, and are gentler on our clothes. The proof is in our incredibly clean less trap.

Our only complaint: both appliances have electronic inputs. Buttons break. Dials don’t. As our ill-fated luck with appliances would have it, our washer’s circuit board shorted before we could start our first load. We’ve been two weeks now without a washer.

Last weekend I had to lug our laundry to the local laundry mat. For all my trouble I will grant it was an educational experience. First, even the blue collar joint I visited featured all energy-star front loading machines. I’m certain the owner did his research and was interested in value, not style. Second, it turns out the prices have inflated a bit since my trips to the laundry mat back in Mobile. It cost me $9.00 just to wash (not dry) a week’s worth of laundry for my family. I suppose these appliances aren’t such a bad investment after all.

Madison’s Bad Day

Mr. Chris — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 06:43:20 +0000

The Kitchen is Closed

Mr. Chris — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:51:36 +0000

Tuesday we discovered a simple but crucial part of our dishwasher is missing! Without that key component, our family is forced to return to the old fashioned means of washing dishes: making the women and children wash them by hand. (Wha? Me? But I’ll get dish wash hands!) The prospect of ordering a replacement part is irritating. The silverware basket was missing when we purchased this unit from a couple on craigslist. We expected to easily find a makeshift solution. We had no such luck and in the end were forced to fork over $30 for a replacement part.

Yesterday the microwave ~~exploded~~ `asploded as Elise tried to nuke a bag of popcorn for our guests. You might expect such an explosion would bury us in an avalanche of crispy kernels and bestow mutant powers upon us during the shower of rogue microwaves emitted during the explosion. The reality of the incident is much more mundane: smoke, a little flame and an unbearable stench.

Are these kitchen catastrophes somehow linked? Who might be behind such a nefarious plot? Stay tuned!

Shame

Mr. Chris — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 03:17:23 +0000

I’ve done a great deal of thinking this year about shame. Is it counter productive or harmful? Is it ever appropriate? This past Sunday the brain cogs fell in place and the machine in my head finally turned out something worth sharing. My epiphany involves the relationship between shame and repentance.

First a few definitions: Shame comes from feeling unworthy, embarrassed, disgraced or responsible for an offense. Repentance means to be motivated by shame to change one’s mind. It implies an effort to avoid or counter the shameful act in the future. To clarify, repentance does not imply success. It merely implies effort.

Be definition shame must precede repentance, if only momentarily. Yet the two are meant to be mutually exclusive. A repentant soul shouldn’t be ashamed. In fact, any shame that remains in a repentant heart is the unhealthy sort meant to destroy us from the inside out. There is no truth or value to those internal accusations.

Shame can blind people to their own worth and obfuscate the most obvious solutions. It is our job to help guide ashamed people so they find quick and free release through repentance. We are also obliged to help people let go of residual shame once they have repented. People that deny or disbelieve heartfelt apologies seal shame and repentance in the same heart and are responsible for the damage done within.

It is silly to expect repentance from someone who feels justified or proud of their actions. I propose it is better to convince them of their shame first. If a child lies without remorse, shouldn’t we tell them they are a liar and treat them as untrustworthy. The goal isn’t to destroy their ego. Repentance is quick and free, even if it isn’t always easy. Sometimes I get the impression society expects us to preserve our children’s egos at the expense of their souls. If shame doesn’t come naturally and we can’t push them towards it then how will they ever learn and grow?

Community, Part 2

Mr. Chris — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 13:52:27 +0000

Elise and I have no need to watch The Wire. We prefer to gather around our bedroom window around noon and watch the drug dealers peddle their wares across the street. Our original goal was to help the police interrupt their unscrupulous transactions, but law enforcement proved too slow and our patience proved too short. I put on my best Eastwood persona and made it clear we were wise to their wicked ways. My brazen show flushed the quarry. The roaches have regrouped beyond the view of our bedroom, but probably not beyond walking distance of our house. Most of their customers are too young to drive.

The drug deals weren’t the first sign of trouble around our home. Check out this lovely piece of guerrilla art someone left just 25 feet from my home–on the same corner as our pushers run their black market pharmacy no less!

Our first instinct was to move north to a more sterile suburb. Urban planners call this “white flight”. The idea frustrated me. By no means do I live in “the hood” but I like the social, cultural and economic diversity of our neighborhood. Lord love soccer moms, but I’d like my kids to be exposed to something more. I’ve since learned that reasonably priced homes and less diverse neighborhoods suffer from the same crimes.

That is when it occurring to me that a neighborhood watch works best as a preventive measure. We had best start our own while the problem is small. This week we are canvasing the neighborhood to rally the troops. So far the idea has been well received, which is a relief because we need 124 of the 165 houses to participate if we are to secure premium services from the police. It will take a few months before our posse ramps up to it’s full momentum, so until then we are encouraging people to:

walk, jog or bike through the streets
foster community privately: get to know your neighbors
foster community publically: support neighborhood events like holiday parties, chili cook offs
arrange your home so you’ll spend time around windows that face the street

Welcome Home Bruiser!

Mr. Chris — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:36:43 +0000

Meet Bruiser, the first Sheppard Dog to earn his keep around the house. No one is going to break into our house with a mug like that staring out the window.

Bed n’ Breakfast, Emphasis on the Breakfast

Mr. Chris — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 22:19:41 +0000

Has it been a year already? Elise and I spent Memorial Day weekend at the Washington Plantation in Washington, GA. Why pay money to lounge around and read books at someone else’s house? Breakfast. The food was so good, I almost didn’t mind the spending the weekend with wife 1.0. (I keed. I keed.)

It Takes Two …Maybe More

Mr. Chris — Wed, 28 May 2008 17:49:14 +0000

David borrowed the kids for several weeks, so I figured it was time to repopulate the house. Elise disagrees.

My original 5-year plan outlined things like babies and family finances. While Elise thinks the plan is swell, she points out my financial numbers don’t quite add up properly. I never was much of a mathamagician. The plan presumes we’ll both be able to work in some capacity but there are no local family members we can leave the tyke with during the week and we can’t let the little guy waste all those “precious moments” on strangers. Elise is confident that next year we will be in a better position to risk a single family income. I’m certain she means well, but each passing day she is exposed to the most potent form of birth control: a pair of teenagers. For this reason I’ve constructed my own high-tech solution to accelerate us to fiscal stability: Internet Panhandling! Potential corporate sponsors, imagine the publicity if I were to name my child after your company …all for a small donation, of course.

As Maude Flanders once put it, “Won’t somebody please think of the children!?”

Elise Enjoys May

Mr. Chris — Fri, 16 May 2008 17:51:47 +0000

May is all about Elise. Last Sunday was Mother’s Day. Yesterday was her birthday. Next weekend is our anniversary. I have to make a big show for each event if I hope to have her reciprocate in June.
Each event featured some unexpected attention. Madison’s friend, Jessica, joined our celebration on Mother’s Day. Yesterday Elise’s class showered her with birthday gifts. They participated with such enthusiasm, they nearly over shadowed the arty mug the kids and I gave her. Next week we plan to escape to a bed and breakfast in Washington, GA.

Vet Visits and Dog Treats

Mr. Chris — Tue, 13 May 2008 19:35:49 +0000

Who can put a price on the health and comfort of their dog? Apparently Elise can. Some dog owners avoid Frontline during the winter for health issues. We were just negligent, and flea season started before we could cover our mistake. Dooley caught the worst of it: bald, pink, slightly swollen and shivering. He has sensitive skin and an immune deficiency. I came home with bag full of in veterinary supplies and a $600 bill.

The dogs averted my wife’s wrath by quickly pointing out the trip wasn’t exactly a day at the spa for them. Such loyalty. They went on and on about how neither enjoyed being poked or prodded. Indeed, both despise taking the complex combinations of pills they must take thrice daily. Gracie is more receptive now that I coat my fists in peanut butter but Dooley cares less about tasty treats. By the time I wrestle the pill down Dooley’s gullet I have a small dog coated in a thin peanut butter glaze.

Gracie! We don’t eat our Dooley. No, not even a nibble. Oh, alright …Om nom nom nom.

Verizon’s Lame SMS Policies

Mr. Chris — Tue, 06 May 2008 16:24:51 +0000

Cell phones are standard parenting equipment. Kids can wander far from the house yet never be out of ear shot when an emergency arises. The phone means security to parents. It means freedom and power for kids. Madison was recently caught abusing her phone privileges. The evidence were text messages left in her inbox. It is nearly impossible to catch these incriminating messages because she is smart enough to promptly delete them.

I called Verizon to learn of any service that might let me review her text messages on-line or possibly have them forwarded to my phone. I’d expect something like this given Verizon charges $655.36 for 1 MB of text messages. The representative informed me that Verizon did not provide these kinds of services because each would be an invasion of privacy. Excuse me? I explained that I was her legal guardian and paid for the account. He explained that I would need a warrant in order to see the messages since I am not the owner of the phone. I thought I might register her phone in my name. I asked if Verizon could disclose to me my own text messages since there would be no privacy issue. He answered that the only way to view the message was on the phone or with a warrant. I find it hard to believe Verizon does not keep a record of these tiny messages. Google grants me 7 gigabytes of space for free. Verizon charges us a 7314% markup on data costs to send these God forsaken tendy messages. (Not that I’m bitter.)

American concept of “right to privacy” is a load of crap. You get back here young lady! Don’t think I won’t pursue that warrant!

Wife 2.0

Mr. Chris — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 00:00:35 +0000

My old wife broke. She was under warranty, but they discontinues that particular model so I’ve been upgraded to Wife 2.0. New wife is so much better than old wife! Compare:

Old Wife

New Wife

Party Procedures and Asthetics

Mr. Chris — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 02:05:34 +0000

My son is throwing his first “party”. I believe he intends to break from the “cake and games” and turn more towards “girls and music”. Party planning has been a very humbling process. all my contributions reveals how out of touch I am with what is “cool”.

Some examples: We checked Noah out of school without giving him notice. This prevented him from introducing himself to two students he planned to invite to his party. I suggested he invite them as a means of making friends. Evidently that’s a big pre-party foul. It would be “awkward”. He asked if I had ever been invited to a party where I knew no one and to his surprise I had–several times. He follows up with a no-win question: “were you my age when this happened”? We’ve had enough of these conversations for me to know how this particular questions plays out. If I say “no” then my arguments aren’t valid because of the age difference. If I reply “yes” then he will explain how things have changed since I was his age.

I could not get Noah to help with th invitations, so I was forced to work on them alone. I knew I ought not describe it as a “birthday party”. That would be infantile. I stuck to a simple, plain design. Any graphics or fonts might trip my sons ever-so-sensitive coolometer. He’s invited about ten kids. Two are white girls. The rest are asian boys that like video games. I thought it might be cool to play a 10-man Super Smash Brother Brawl tournament with a cash money prize during the party. Noah tried to politely tell me it wasn’t a “video game party” and I should also remove the phrase “food, music and fun” from the invitation. That left nothing but a bare skeleton of the most crucial information on the invitation. Whatever.

This afternoon he built the party play list from our massive music collection. He finds 1.5 hours of music before he apologetically informs me that nearly all the music he selected are songs I did not rate well, implying our tastes were worlds apart. The truth is I rated 68% of the songs he selected 4 or more stars. Only 3 tracks have bad ratings. It grates me because Noah tends to see what he wants, and I suspect he wants to believe his tastes are different from mine. I know, I know: Time to let the boy spread his wings, express himself and whatnot. I just wish he could look objectively at the aesthetics, rather than choose crap on a stick just because I didn’t. I was mildly relieved when he turned down his sister’s aid as well. Madison is very in touch with the young teen scene–especially neutral, peppy party music. So what made his play list? Lots of Cake, a smidge of Weezer, Don’t Go There by 24k, Julianne and Babylon Zoo. The irony, it’s crushing me.

Con Farm es Sneff?

Mr. Chris — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:57:13 +0000

Maxis will begin to share how it plans to move its largest franchise forward on March 19, when it will begin to release information about The Sims 3. The Sims is a big part of our house. I think we bestowed the game on them in Christmas 2008. It was played long after their other gifts grew old. Madison has since turned to more social endeavors, but Noah still returns for month long Sim binges. He’s purchased nearly all the expansion packs.

Koreans

Mr. Chris — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 20:33:24 +0000

Back in January the FDA announced that cloned meat is safe to eat. In a similar move, today I read that a South Korean company will clone your dead dog for $150,000. (drumroll)

Last month I learned that Duluth is a mecca for South Koreans. That is, if you mention this particular Atlanta suburb to an average person walking about Soul chances are they will know exactly where you are talking about. For years I knew Duluth had a strong Korean presence, but all cities have parts that are heavily influenced by a particular culture. Who knew Duluth was so special?

Proverbs about Fools

Mr. Chris — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 19:12:40 +0000

Elise loves to decorate with words. I don’t mind them so much, so long as the phrases are unique. I get a mixed bag, such is the nature of compromise:

Faith makes all things possible, not necessarily easy.
Live, Laugh Love
Good things happen over coffee.

Today I found a phrase I would like displayed prominently somewhere in the house: “When a wise man and a fool argue, no one can tell the difference.” Many people in our house feel they can relate, but none of us agree who is the fool.

Baby Registry!?

Mr. Chris — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 14:01:41 +0000

Yesterday Elise and I got an email from Amazon informing us that someone had purchased something off our baby registry. I asked her if there was something she needed to tell me. So far as I knew, we had not created a baby registry, nor did we have a need for one. I recalled that the folks behind these scams were customizing their spam with personal information they pull from the web. I scoured the internet and found several other newly weds that received the same email. We called the family together and talked about phishing scams once more. This morning I received another email from amazon claiming the email was a mistake. It appears the email wasn’t malicious.

Flakey Flurries

Mr. Chris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 22:28:14 +0000

Heavy flurries swept through north Atlanta just as the sun set. Elise has had a difficult week. We sat together and wished for a snow day. The kids tried to suppress their dreams of snowball fights and sled rides but the huge flakes called to them. In the time it took Madison and I to run to Kroger for a few odds and ends the ground was nearly covered with a powdery snow. As our bedtime drew near the flakes turned to sleet and finally to a cold drizzle. I explained that the water might ruin the winter wonderland, but frozen water on the roads was the fastest way to an weekday at the house. Alas, the temperatures did not remain below freezing long enough so we woke to a wet world of slush–and school. I made everyone a big breakfast to help the family cope with the disappointment. Noah was the most disappointed. He was so confident there would be no school he purposely did not do his homework. If only we lived in Asheville.

The Family on YouTube

Mr. Chris — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 21:44:00 +0000

Follow this link to watch some shorts from when Elise’s family visited us this holiday season. My mother gave me Adobe Premier Elements so I can edit the footage captured on the video recorder. I made some mistakes regarding aspect ratios when I grabbed the footage, so there is a large blank border in YouTube. Rather than continue to tweak the footage I’ve decided to move on to other videos I’ve captured.

I purchased the two packs of holiday flavors from Jones Cola. The pack included flavors like Christmas Ham, Christmas Tree, Eggnog, Sugar Plum. While we stayed at my parent’s house my dad tried a sip of each and Madison drank a small glass on a dare. John was the first to break into a bottle while Elise’s family visited. The rest of the family stayed clear of them until John began to make mock commercials for the peculiar sodas. John’s always the center of the party. Is it any wonder the family waited until after Christmas to celebrate to make sure he could be included?

Phobia: Salt Vampires

Mr. Chris — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 18:57:55 +0000

Today Wired features a short piece on Star Trek’s Cheesiest Creatures. I followed the link and was greeted by a childhood terror I had long forgotten about, the salt vampire. I had no interest in the show itself. I just happened to glance at the screen when Kirk had kissed some hot space cadet and morphed into Greedo’s homely grandmother. The exact image featured in Wired was imprinted in my brain and was brought to mind anytime the lights went out.

Home for the Hounds

Mr. Chris — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 14:34:25 +0000

My backyard never really was Better Home and Gardens material, but the dogs have trampled what little grass the drought left. Our carpeted living room is joined to the backyard without a mud room to mediate the mess. It’s nearly impossible for adults to keep the carpet near the door pristine so we’ve surrendered to the fact we’ll have to install hardwood someday soon. Everything is tolerable until it rains. Now this isn’t a time for Atlantans to bad mouth wet weather but water turns dusty paws into muddy ones. We can keep those paws indoors, but bathroom breaks still reek havoc on the home. We can keep them outside, but not without those sad puppy eyes nagging our conscience. All this is a fine reason to get a dog house …if it rained more in Atlanta. We recently had a cold snap and I find poor pitiful Dooley shivering when I return home from work. Given the cold is more certain than the showers, I set out to build a dog house.

My original plans were to construct the house myself, using blueprints published by the Asheville Humane Society. I worked closely with the dogs. Dooley was interested in thick shag carpeting. Gracie requested a bidet she might use for a water fountain. The dogs and I were crushed when my wife canceled the project. The materials wouldn’t fit in our van. A week later we found this little beaut. Wooden construction: check. Removable roof: check. Guards against wind chill: check. I’m not saying we couldn’t have done better, but it will keep them warmer and dryer while we are away and it will keep our carpet cleaner when we have a wet spell.

Dinner Talk: Intellegent Design

Mr. Chris — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 19:01:24 +0000

My son breached the topic of creation theories at dinner last night. He announced he is a staunch creationist. His sister quickly announced she believes in the big bang theory. What an exciting time to be a father! At first I was concerned they were too young to tackle such a weighty and confusing topic. They would need a basic understanding of physics, geology and chemistry in order to understand half the arguments.

Best cover what they can understand. This issue may be what fuels their interest in the other subjects. I figure I will continue the conversation little-by-little over our evening meals. Chances are Madison would resent even a short family meeting as some punishment and be less likely to speak her mind in the future.

My primary goal is to make clear that I am less concerned with their conclusions as I am by how they reach those conclusions. I hope to use this subject to teach them to value truth. I need them to identify weaknesses in their own conclusions rather than ignore them. There is no shame in answering “I don’t know” or “maybe”. It takes a big man to admit there are things he isn’t sure about.

I plan to start by discussing the essence of science: the scientific method, the role of observation and the nature of theories. From there I will move to my trademark talk about philosophers and sophists. My children already have a basic understanding of the two theories. I’ll use that to help explain why this debate is such a hot topic. What is each person fighting for? What is at stake? Finally I will explain how the debate regarding intelligent design often bounces between two separate issues: the origin of the universe, and the origin of species.

True, I buy into the creation account in Genesis, but only because there is no evidence in the text that indicates it is allegorical. All other symbolic stories (Revelation, Jesus’s parables) are wrapped in passages that identify them as such. Genesis bleeds into history we accept as fact. Be that as it may, I am well aware and won’t deny all the well crafted arguments that support a Big Bang, prehistoric Earth and macroevolution. Let us all hope it is enough to show them the twisted, selfish fight this noble pursuit has become. May they never enter the ring.

Campaign for Real Beauty

Mr. Chris — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 18:25:37 +0000

I’d like to introduce a few links with a small story that takes place before Elise and I were wed. A Dove commercial came on while Madison and I were in the living room. She commented about how the lady in the commercial wasn’t really that pretty. I explained that Dove’s Campaign for Real Beauty is meant to help people understand that many different forms and shapes are pretty, not just the iconic model figures we see on magazines. She responded by telling me Dove was horrible shampoo. I asked her if she really thought the salon’s name brand did much better. She said yes without a moment’s thought. Ho boi.

Here is the latest commercial from Dove’s campaign. I wish them the best. The video itself struck a chord in me, which was amplified by this link that found it’s way on my desktop the next day.

Mean Girls

Mr. Chris — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 03:10:45 +0000

Mean Girls is a surprisingly entertaining film and especially educational for younger viewers. Lindsay Lohan plays a even-keel yet naive new student that strikes back at a very shallow clique of girls called “the plastics”. The movie is a comedy, but the plastic clique is a fair representation of the sort of shallow people found in any secondary school’s social heirarchy. These kids feed on the faults and insecurities of others. They take pride in hollow “social” accomplishments. They champion fickle fashion as an art or a virtue. They have no taste of their own. They have no true friends. Everyone is a tool in their eyes. Every alliance serves some selfish purpose. When they feel pity serves them best they work to create dramatic sob stories from their pampered, meaningless lives. They tear others down in order to artificially inflate their own self worth.

When we learn to laugh at ourselves, we are free to be human. The proud are easily mocked and scorned. When we embrace our foolishness, it is more difficult to shame us with it. I pity these shallow people for they have forged their own chains. Everyone is keen to the threat posed by others with vices similar to their own. Let me clarify with some examples. I was a nosy child, so I carried a deep-seated fear people would go through my stuff. I know liars that have issues trusting others. Likewise, shallow people assume everyone is as critical and unforgiving as they are. They are never free to be human and embrace real life. I imagine this fuels their bitter downward spiral.

The schools I attended did not emphasize building student’s character. Most of the rules I remember being enforced were designed to control and protect students and faculty or facilitate learning. The psychological tactics plastic people use often fall between the rules that are enforced. Even the most damaging offenses sound petty when brought before an authority. When I was young I was discouraged by what I perceived as their prosperity. I was so mislead I even adopted some of their values. Now I see the real fruits of that lifestyle. They never learn to love. Rather they endure relationships with people as selfish and loathsome as they are. They never serve a cause greater than themselves. They grow neurotic from trying to maintain a facade of perfection: never misstep; never exhale; never relax.

I am grateful that my children are humble and free. They know plastic people and have experienced their venom. Although I know the natural consequences of a shallow life, I still find it hard to forgive them and wish them well in my prayers. When my children turn to me for advice I don’t have easy responses. The godly response I must recommend isn’t one I understand. At that point it’s clear I’m asking them to be better people than I am.

A Boy and His Dog

Mr. Chris — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 20:41:00 +0000

This is the story of a boy. Although this boy was content, he was not truly happy. He was different than the rest of his family. He yearned for the comfort of someone he could relate to. He was so different from his parents and siblings, he suspected he may have been adopted. In an effort to find true happiness, the boy spent his spare time hunting for his real life parents.

As the months past, his parents grew concerned regarding the boy’s happiness. They did all they could to please him. They only served his favorite meals and tucked him in like a little burrito every night. They even brought home a young basset hound puppy named Gracie. Gracie fell hopelessly in love with the young boy. He fed her dog treats. They chased each other around the house. He would rub her belly and she licked his face. The boy and his dog were inseparable.

Two years later the boy located his true parents! They were both super-vegetarian-cyber-ninja-spies that fought for justice in the game Runescape. They were more than mere administrators. The pair owned a unique device that digitally transported them into the game world. They asked him to come live with them, so they might train him to follow in their super-vegetarian-cyber-ninja-spy footsteps. He turned to tell his old family he had to leave them, but Gracie did not seem to understand. She turned her big head and said “Rooowr?”

He turned to the other family to consider what he might gain there. They told him he would have to play lots of Runescape if he were to become a super-vegetarian-cyber-ninja-spy. He may even need to neglect his homework for the good of the realm! He looked back at Gracie. She stuck her rear in the air and called back to him “Wroff! Wroff! ….Rrruff!”

His newly discovered father touched his shoulder and pointed out that they had a strict diet of cheese and bread. They could not stand to see an animal hurt. Just then Gracie pounced the young boy and slathered her tongue all over his face. Her tail emphatically swung to and fro. Just then his super-vegetarian-cyber-ninja-spy parents understood.

“Son”, his newly discovered mother began, “We can’t bare to see this dog emotionally hurt through your absence, yet we don’t have time to take care of her–with all the player killers and hackers we bring to justice. You must stay here and tend to this noble beast. This is for the best. I suspect nothing we might offer you could replace the love Gracie has for you.” He gave her a short nod. As his newly discovered parents drove off in their tofumobile, his mother leaned out the side and called out to him, promising to write often.

The boy and his dog were truly happy.

Wardrobe Audit…

Mr. Chris — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 17:41:01 +0000

17 shirts: 2 long sleeved, 1 dress shirt
4 shorts
1 pair of jeans
4 boxers
6 1/2 pairs of socks

This is Noah’s most recent wardrobe audit. It is a concept I had never considered when I would imagine myself as a parent. The Barnette kids are always on the go. They alternate weekends between each parent’s home in addition to the typical family and friends they might stay with. It is important to teach them how to pack for a trip and how to return with what they left with. People often joke about how Madison is such a “thorough” packer. It should be no surprise that her brother is the complete opposite. There was a time when he did not care if he left for the weekend with nothing but the shirt on his back. He has improved tremendously since I have known him but like any 10 year old he tends to leave a few items behind with each visit. As weeks pass his wardrobe dwindles until this past weekend we found he didn’t have enough clothes to make 2 complete outfits. Now that we’ve accounted for all his clothes we can move forward with shopping for a new school wardrobe.

Rafting Doodle

Mr. Chris — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 03:16:49 +0000

I must have ridden the lower Ocoee eight times before, but it’s always a great way to spend a day. This trip I learned you don’t have to be a life-long rafter to be a guide. I think I may spend a week or two next summer working for Ocoee Outdoors, as soon as I complete my hike-through along the Appalachian Trail.

Farewell to Azeroth

Mr. Chris — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 18:49:54 +0000

The whole Sheppard clan have pitched in to help trim the family budget. Noah volunteered to take public swimming lessons in lieu of private lessons. Madison decided to spend most of her time at her new BFF’s home. Elise agreed to purchase her entire 2007 office wardrobe at the local Goodwill store. What could I do to contribute? It occurred to me I had not played World of Warcraft since April. I decided buy a one-way griffin ride from Stormwind to the real world.

But what will happen to the characters I’ve helped grow these past years? Phifer has taken an extended sabbatical at the Northshire Abbey. She leads Sunday School, participates in choir and recently joined the abbey’s weekly wine tasting club. Cinch has become Iron Forge’s leading alarm expert in Iron Forge. When she finds the time, she likes to get away to Booty Bay where she ganks low level horde. Awaka spends most of her time hiking in Nagrand, communing with nature and whatnot. Vlock is still being corpse camped by a Gnome rogue, deep in Stranglethorn. Jerk.

When It Rains, It Pours…

Mr. Chris — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 18:46:38 +0000

Triumph: Chris installs a hanging pot holder.

Tragedy: Now the ceiling leaks when he bathes.

Triumph: Chris’s stud finder did not locate the plumbing.

Tragedy: The tub had been cracked for some time and must be replaced.

Triumph: This project may be postponed indefinitely.

Tragedy: …but no relaxing baths until it is replaced.

Triumph: Chris and Chuck install a chain linked fence.

Tragedy: While they work Sarah discovered the living room floor is rotten.

Triumph: Later Chris learns the rot is only about 2 square feet and relatively simple to fix.

Triumph: Elise has wrung about 300,000 miles out of her little Toyota.

Tragedy: The Sheppards need more seating and cargo space.

Triumph: The Toyota swears it will hold up until we can pay cash for a replacement.

Tragedy: A week ago the interior door handle busted. In order to open the door from the inside, the driver must roll down the window and use the exterior handle.

Hungery-Hungery-Hubby

Mr. Chris — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 19:06:02 +0000

About 7 weeks ago I confessed that my body had ballooned into a hefty 175 pound bag o’ flab. The scales tell me I’ve lost 11 pounds since then. People laugh when I tell them I’ve yet to eat a full meal with Elise and the kids around. They are always stealin’ mah donuts or carving chunks off mah fried chicken. Somebody email me a Hot Pocket before I waste away to nothing.

Same Thing We Do Every Night, Pinky…

Mr. Chris — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 15:28:08 +0000

The thought of world domination strikes a pleasant chord within Young Noah. He enjoys tales of the British Empire and would happily discuss Germany’s failed attempts to expand their borders. He is also drawn to games where he takes the role of an ambitious conquerer. Risk embellished his diplomatic and military dreams. A few days ago I introduced him to Sid Meyer’s Civilization III. It is exponentially more detailed, allowing him to cater to domestic needs and opening a variety of non-military diplomatic options. He debates the merits of monarchy and republic. He warns me how Otto Von Bismark is cranky, unreasonable and quick to declare war. He explains how difficult it is to fight a war on two fronts.

The game tries to incorporate as many historical concepts as it can. His interest always starts with the game but immediately extends into the historical significance. Let me list a few examples. The game progresses through 4 different eras of civilization: Stone Age, Medieval Times, Industrial Age and Modern Age. It was the first he had heard of the Industrial Age, which prompted many questions. We talked about the social structure of the Medieval Times. We talked about German Panzer Tanks, Roman Legionaries, and the Zulu Nation. Each civilization races to be the first to construct “wonders” that bestow special benefits to that nation. He began to explore the history and importance of the Egyptian pyramids, the Great Wall of China and the Sistine Chapel. The historical significance wouldn’t be important if he were just playing the game to win, but Noah has stumbled upon something more. The game fuels his imagination, and history helps flush out the details. The game features a small but informative encyclopedia regarding the in-game and historical significance of everything it mentions. Noah (being Noah) isn’t as into “reading” about them as he is “talking” about them.

Lucky for us all, the game will most likely distract Noah well enough to render his global ambitions moot. In homage to Noah’s endless curiosity regarding the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, I have included a link to an excellent wikipedia article about just that.

The Health Hazards of Marriage

Mr. Chris — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 14:18:38 +0000

“My neck! My back! … My neck and my back!” That was my cry for help 7 years ago when I first injured my back by hyper-extending it forward. I was imitating my physically fit and coordinated friend’s dismount from a gymnastic bar. She started by hanging by her legs and flipped so she landed on her feet. I did the same, except I landed on my head. The result was a back injury that plagued me for years. This past year or so I began to find the combination of treatments necessary to heal.

We have yet to fence our back yard. Each time we take the dogs out we risk they will run after a stray cat, bird, bunny or jogger. That is just what happened Sunday morning. I took off after Dooley and Gracie but slipped on the wet grass. When I hit the ground I heard a snap and a small static shock shot up my spine. The wind was knocked out of me. I staggered forward, fighting for air and searching for some canine ass to kick. After I recovered from the shock of the fall I realized it had agitated my old injury. I felt almost as bad as I did when I returned from the hospital all those years ago. I suspect the pain and limited range of motion stems mostly from inflamed muscles that should return to normal with the help of a few ice packs.

The chiropractor pointed out my blood pressure was a bit high as we sorted through my recent accident. High blood pressure? I’ve always had abnormally low blood pressure! It is so low there are times it causes me to pass out without warning. How could I have high blood pressure? I went to seek solace from Catherine who ran the Arby’s drive-thru. Then I sought counsel from Kevin over at Hardee’s. Deborah at Chipoptle comforted me with a little extra sour cream and cheese on my steak burrito. They all agreed that the only factor that had changed since the reports of my low blood pressure was my new family. I expected the kids would one day be the death of me. I just did not expect it would happen so soon.

But Marriage isn’t all clogged arteries and broken spines. There are family meals. When I was younger I never fully understood the value of a family meal. We returned from Mexico to find the interior of our house covered in a sea of brown boxes that contained the contents of Elise’s previous home. This made kitchen meals difficult, but to my delight the grill got a little extra culinary love. Preparing meals is now such a treat. No longer am I limited to either cooking impossibly small portions or eating the same meal all week long. Best of all, I had 3 dinner companions in place of my TV and computer. They even helped clear the table! The price: the children are only interested in eating the tastiest food in the house. Before a pack of Oreos or a gallon of ice cream would last a month. Now they disappear before the fourth day. If I am ever to taste anything sweet again I am going to need to create a stash–complete with secret map and booby traps. (Yar!)

All Wedding’ed Out…

Mr. Chris — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 01:51:15 +0000

Seven months after I proposed in November the whole wedding spiel came to a close. Expect to see a few wedding related posts as I conclude my thoughts on all this matrimony stuff. Until then, I thought I’d leave you all with some links to wedding photos. I will update this post as I get new photos from other people.

photos by Lisa Marie, our wedding photographer
wedding and rehersal dinner photos by my mom
photos by Tammy
photos from the Honeymoon, mostly work safe.
photos by my brother and his wife.

Living Large

Mr. Chris — Thu, 03 May 2007 15:57:16 +0000

Earlier this month I noticed my shirts had shrunk in the wash. Reality began to set in after the third button popped off my britches. I thought I had made it clear to my belly that we wouldn’t “hang out” until after the knot was tied. It seems he jumped the gun a bit. Weight: 175 lbs. Waist: 38″. You may know 38″ from the tags that hang from all the large garments in the stores. Ouch. I am certain I can loose the muffin top in a few months. As fortune would have it, the local YMCA just completed their renovations. The stiff limbs and dietary restraint aren’t nearly as painful as shopping for a few large outfits to wear until I can cope with my stalled metabolism.

Wedding: Bridal Registries

Mr. Chris — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 15:51:48 +0000

Weddings don’t just fall from the sky. Professional wedding planners make them. I hired Elise to put ours together. I heard she was a rookie, but she has done a stellar job. I’ve learned so much watching her slave away. No step has been more rewarding than the bridal registry. Imagine my delight when I was handed a scan-gun and asked me to point it at anything my little covetous heart desired.

Elise had trouble finding her groove. She kept looking for the most economic prices and trying to nix items we don’t need. I have been on the bad end of a short registry, so I knew how important it was to help our guests quickly and easily choose the perfect gift to express their joy for our union. I explained that our registry isn’t a measure of our greed. It is a measure of our charity. We invest hours of our time to help save our friends hours.

Big box stores are competing for our business. Bed, Bath and Beyond put up the best fight. Each couple is courted by nothing less than a store manager. He reviewed what I had already explained to Elise about the registry. He then gave us a lavender checklist that covered everything anyone might ever need in their home. He explained that Bed Bath and Beyond associates are psychologically conditioned to hunt down any guest with lavender stationary and lavish them with attention fit for royalty. He explained that all our guests would be given a copy of our registry on this same paper. He then explained that anyone shopping from our registry would be eligible for free gift wrapping and free shipping. What more, once we return from Mexico, Bed Bath and Beyond will send us a coupon for 10% off anything that remains on our registry. It was a sly and effective way to encourage us to sign up for a few big ticket items.

Once we had completed the registry “we” (by which I mean “my wedding planner”) began to work on our invitations. You would think all the information required for the wedding would go on the invitation but details like a map or directions can’t be allowed to sully them. For those ugly but necessary details we employ an informational insert. I assumed information regarding our registry ought to be included in such an insert. That is when it was brought to my attention that including information about the registry was “poor form”. Guests want to know what we want. We have a list that explains this, point-blank. The invitation, if not the informational insert, is designed to answer questions but we are to be coy and omit it? This is as silly as the Victorian rule that required people to cover the legs of their chairs in the name of modesty. Despite my frustration, I knew my hands were tied. I must perpetuate this silly practice or all my female guests will know I am an uncultured ogre. Fortunate for Bed Bath and Beyond stock owners, our on-line announcement has been deemed far enough removed from the invitation to include our registry information.

Well, I best conclude this lengthy blog post so you can tend to whatever you need to do to prepare for the nuptials.

Noah-centric Universe

Mr. Chris — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 19:59:32 +0000

A few weeks ago Noah caused quite a stir when he mentioned he was neglected. The idea is laughable to anyone that spends time with his family, but the school administration was very concerned. In the end we discovered he did not understand what the term “neglect” meant in the context of child abuse. I wonder if he contributed to the national poll referenced in this article.

DIY Febreeze Volcano

Mr. Chris — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:50:14 +0000

It takes work to combat the funky smells left by three dogs …and myself. I recalled several recipes I found through lifehacker for homemade febreeze. The stuff is pretty pricey considering it is mere perfume water. Not being one to be confined to strict instructions I began mixing the ingredients from memory:

A bit of fabric softener
Lots of water
I think MythBusters confirmed that Vodka works wonders on stains and odors
A touch of viniger
A dash of baking soda… Holy crap!

The lessons of countless science fairs was lost on me. The bottle erupted into a geyser of gritty, sweet smelling foam. The kitchen smells great.

Co-Parenting Cold War

Mr. Chris — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 17:52:20 +0000

The nature of co-parenting has been a prominent thought in my head for about a year now. Co-parenting is an unnatural abortion created when our noble and corrupt natures are forced to compromise. Our corrupt nature is the root of even the most amicable divorces. Public conscience has constructed a means ensuring the pair can share the blessings and burdens of rearing children caught in the crossfire of a divorce. Co-parenting isn’t the intended order of things, but it is necessary.

Love motivates married couples to trust, forgive and compromise. Despite all this, raising a child is still a challenge. Now consider people that were unable to trust, forgive and compromise in the name of love. How do they raise a child without these tools?

The politics of some divorces are similar to those exercised by two nuclear armed counties. Allow me explain. Should any country fire modern nuclear weapons everyone loses–even neighboring countries. (Modern nuclear warheads are exponentially more powerful than Fat Man.) Pressing the big red button is never really an option, and you pray the other fella always remains sane and calm enough to understand that. Couples that were once intimate are capable of critically wounding each other. Just as in a nuclear strike, such an attack hurts everyone: children, relatives, both co-parents. When disagreements arise or stress mounts, both hope the other is rational and responsible enough to keep the finger off the button. To that end both co-parents trust, forgive and compromise but the motivation is more fear than love.

I do not mean to imply that fear is the only emotion that rules co-parents. I imagine most couples relate to my analogy to different degrees. My cold war analogy contains other facets that shed light on the mechanics of many divorced parents. I have highlighted the simplest and most common.

Honeymoon Destination: Mexico

Mr. Chris — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 20:29:41 +0000

Psh! What is all this “wedding stress” Elise keeps talking about? I started and finished my search for the premier honeymoon in 2 days. I dunno what took her so long with the photographer.

The goal was an economic location that would pamper guests rather than entertain them. You see, we plan to bring our own entertainment. Our destination: Riu Palace Riviera Maya in Playa del Carmen, just south of Cancun. Here are reviews. We scored a 5-night all inclusive stay in a beach front suite for $2700. Boo-ya!

Now to determine the best etiquette for steering would be wedding gifters away from Target and towards a fund created to help finance our little getaway. …or… I wonder if Fry’s has a registry service…

Honeymoon Destination: Earth

Mr. Chris — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 21:33:22 +0000

I’ve started hunting for honeymoon locals. I’ve narrowed it down to someplace on earth after reading this. It says NASA’s response is “Don’t ask, don’t tell” when asked if any astronauts done the deed in zero G. I’d be the first to get my galactic groove on, but the low blood pressure of zero G means inflates one head and deflates another. That last two things I need are more headaches and less blood in my *ahem* extremities. I suppose I’ll just have to “defy gravity” here on Earth.

Besides, the final frontier is a bit pricey for the Sheppard budget. Maybe my in-laws could rig up something similar to a rocket ride for less money.

…boing-chicka mow mow…

Don’t Stand so Close to Me…

Mr. Chris — Fri, 12 Jan 2007 19:38:09 +0000

Children are dirty. Their noses ooze. Their hands are sticky. Schools are part-time quarantines. It’s like the Wall Street of the microscopic world. Parents toss their kids into a colony of contagions to see what new disease the child can bring home. Being a teacher is like being an activities coordinator at a leper colony, only lepers are usually considerate enough to ring a bell when they are near. Children swarm in for group hugs. Is it any wonder teachers have taken upon themselves to develop solutions to the air-born illnesses? I would like to contribute to my own idea: school uniforms. Every warm body must jump in a hazmat suite (decorated in school colors) before boarding the school bus. In the mean time, MIT has created some phenomenal paint for public facilities.

This year has been particularly harsh. Elise and the kids are passing the most recent funk among each other. Don’t let anyone tell you the Barnette’s don’t have culture. They keep plenty of culture in their throat, lungs and sinuses. How have I avoided this calamity? I owe my good health to a trick we employed back in Delta 4. At the first sign of any non-alcohol related illness, we’d all pop zinc lozenges and vitamin C until things looked clear. …not that my perfect health meant perfect attendance. *cough, cough*

Parents: I know you mean well when you push your child towards that perfect attendance certificate. Consider the health and education of your child’s classmates and the well being of their families when you risk sending your child to school with a fever.

Co-workers: I swear this place won’t fall apart with you missing for a day. If you aren’t too sick to read and type, work from home. In the meantime, please get away from my desk.

…of Wedding Photographers

chris — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 19:20:44 +0000

Hindsight is 20×20, so what wedding advice would a couple have for two newbs like Elise and I? Without exception every couple wished they had sunk more time and money into the photographer (or a videographer). It made sense. My bride and I are most likely going to relive the events through these photos, and the value will increase as they age. “Better to have excellent photos of folks in T-shirts than crappy photos of folks in tuxes.” That’s what ~~I say~~ I’m told. Three claw marks, two missing teeth, a black eye and over a month of searching have yielded this: one [Pristine Wedding Photographer]. We chose Lisa Marie Photography to capture our ceremony and reception. We highly recommend BTO Photography as well.

Elise and I had no idea how to find photographers, what to expect from them or how to evaluate them when we started the search. I thought I’d share a few things we learned in hopes of saving some other couples the trouble:

We learned that you can find a photographer for any budget and although price isn’t a perfect measure of quality, most acceptable photographers are between $2,000 and $4,000.
More (younger) photographers are willing to include the negatives in the “package”. When a house burns, photos are the most common items people attempt to save. Given the importance of the occasion, shouldn’t you own the rights to them? Yes, there are cases where couples are unable to locate their wedding photographer to request additional prints!
The object of a portfolio is to only show an artists the best work. Ask to see a complete wedding to learn what percentage are really winning shots.
There are two general wedding photography styles: traditional (posed) and photojournalistic (more free form, like a magazine). The later is currently most popular.
Interview promising artists. Do you all communicate well? Do you trust the photographer’s judgment?
There is an alternative to thick traditional matted wedding albums. The new style looks like a coffee table book. The entire page is printed as one photograph. Laying out the photos is an art form. Consider that when you select your package. You may be able to postpone this expense or hire someone else to do it.

Onto the travel agents…

The Start of Newer Holiday Traditions

chris — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 00:10:26 +0000

Who’d have thunk kids could amplify the excitement of the season so much? The answer: I thunk it and yet it is still better than I imagined. Come Thanksgiving there was so much to take in; I had trouble capturing any of it in my holiday announcement. The only trouble is I have to share the pair that adds so much to the holiday season.

All new families wrestle with holiday plans. Most young new couples stress over when they will visit each other’s parents. Should one of them come from divorced parents the decision may be more complicated. I can’t imagine that is more complicated than when one has children from a previous marriage. This year neither I nor Elise were prepared for the task to coordinating so many families and creating the kid’s complex holiday schedule. Next year we plan to start making these arrangements in early November.

Elise had been divorced for several years, so I expected her to be familiar with some of the shuffle required to keep all everyone happy during the holidays. As it turned out, this is the first year she has spent away from her children. She has maintained a fantastic relationship with David and his family. They often spent Christmas together. Now, Elise is familiar with what the holidays can be like for the children of divorced parents. Her own parents divorced, and her siblings recall opening presents in the car while being shuffled from house to house. She will testify: it is better to spend more quality time at fewer houses than spread the children out so thin they have no real quality time anywhere in particular. However, her kids can’t understand this, Madison in particular. Madison is very sympathetic and giving. She knows everyone will want to see her during the holidays and I am certain she’d give until it hurt if she might please them all. In the end, it will be up to the adults strike a compromise.

The trouble is too many families in too little time, so I proposed we declare a new holiday: The Weekend before Christmas. The title is a bit of a misnomer, for this year it is the weekend of the 16th which is two weekends before Christmas. The goal is to capture a day that is closer to Christmas yet still far enough off that no family would likely desire it. Ironically, that is the weekend David’s extended family spend with the kids, but we worked around that. Once we have one of the families together I am certain I can conjure up enough holiday magic folks remark, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Christmas”. I just gotta add a heaping helping of holiday tunes and old televised Christmas specials, stir in a liberal measure of gifts and edible goodies and maybe sprinkle in some neighborhood carols or tickets to a local Christmas play. Very few were immediately enthused about the idea, but most are warming up to it. In the end, the new holiday gives us twice as many December holidays to celebrate, potentially adding twice as much holiday cheer to the kids and twice as many families.

If only that was the end of the complications. You see, one of the families lives in another state. It is very important to Elise that the children spend Christmas day at home. I imagine I take the joy of a Christmas at home for granted. My parents intentionally hosted the family Christmas so I would never have to travel on Christmas day. I now understand one of the consequences of starting a family far from my home town: chances are slim I (and my new family) will wake up in my childhood home on Christmas and visit with all my extended family through the day. After a very encouraging conversation with my father it became clear that Duluth is now my family’s home. He explained how he expected he would travel between different homes as a grandparent at Christmas. That is the new role a grandparent assumes in order to ensure the grandchildren enjoy the same peaceful home-bound Christmases their own children did. Older traditions make way for newer ones.

Noah and Madison are fortunate to have so many people that care for them. A day will come when they understand that twice the family benefits includes twice the family burden. Until then, I am grateful these people that care for them are kind and understanding enough to shoulder some of that burden while they are still young.

Thoughts on Leadership

chris — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 19:10:19 +0000

Nothing interests me more than human nature and as it turns out I have an intimate, if not always objective, vantage to study it. Recently I’ve been thinking about how people deal with leadership, especially the authority it entails. For now, let’s consider what leadership is. A leader moves a group towards a common goal. Think of all the kinds of groups that rely on leaders: governments, guild leaders, families, political lobbies, military groups, search parties, classrooms, churches, prisons, and sport teams. What would leaders of these groups have in common? All a leader’s concerns fall into one of three categories. I’ve borrowed an analogy from C.S. Lewis to help illustrate why these three categories are important. The analogy describes a fleet of ships that are sailing to a common destination.

First and foremost, a leader moves his people towards the group’s goals. The goal might be a military objective, winning the big game or hosting a fun day at the zoo. In his analogy, the ships destination is the fleets ultimate goal.

The leader ensures each member is best equipped to work towards that goal. Part of this means “coaching” members so they are personally able to attend the tasks needed. This is the hardest for American’s to grasp because it often impedes on “personal rights”. A coach urges his team not to stay up late before the big game. A church works to ensure each member does not go astray. Lewis used the ships to represent individuals. He compared this “coaching” to maintaining each ship so it is sea worthy.

Another part of ensuring each member is “best equipped to work towards the goal” is preventing members from disrupting each other’s efforts. Without government a group will dissolve. Personalities will conflict. Perspectives will not agree. People will fear being “short changed” by others. All this and more are used to justify actions that hurt other team members. Often these are decisions members feel are a “better means” to the ultimate goal. Even when that may be true, the “better means” are much less effective without support of the others. Lewis compared this aspect of leadership to keeping the ships in proper formation so they would not collide.

First, notice how all the concerns listed are related to the goal. The goal shapes the boundaries of a team’s influence and a leader’s authority. Broad goals such as those of the church and family imbue a broad scope of power. Second, notice how none of the leadership concerns edify the leader himself, outside what is required to achieve the group’s goal. Simply put: leadership is a position of service. A quick example: a small country may see fit to dress a diplomat in regal attire in order to negotiate with other diplomats who judge by appearances, even if the money could be used to feed its starving citizens. That is different than a leader taxing his group to fund an opulent lifestyle that does not serve the group. This is also different from a team that has agreed to compensate the leader. Most churches pay their elders and pastors and have Biblical grounds to do so.

Leaders are meant to serve the team, yet the reverse is so common many people don’t understand why it is wrong. A poorly communicated or poorly defined goal will free a leader to indulge his selfish requests. It is possible the leader himself has lost sight of the goals so that his abuses are unintentional. Some examples of this kind of abuse: A church begins to lift culture and traditions to the authority of scripture. Parents work to mold a child’s personality in addition to the child’s character.

Groups are often required to tend to many menial tasks that indirectly bring the group closer to the goal. The number of tasks and the distance from the original goal contribute to these “forgotten goals”. Often those menial tasks can become the goal. Think of a stubborn department in a business that refuses to sacrifice in order to accommodate another department. Think of a church that becomes so lost in theology and worship they forsake charity. My old professor (Dr. Doran) would take considerable class time to remind us that the grade was not the goal. He’d remind us Computer Scientists are more than code monkeys. We are problem solvers and tool makers.

Let me review real what I’ve said before I close: A leader serves the team. He moves them towards the goal and ensures each member is effective. Leaders are human. They are prone to abuse the authority they require to direct the team and use that authority to serve his desires that are unrelated to the team’s goals. This problem is so common, many people can only identify grossest abusers. The less clear a team’s goal are, the easier it is for a leader to abuse his power.

The Ellers Busta Move

chris — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 12:21:57 +0000

Elise’s best friend and her brother (Kisha and Joshua) are tying the knot in early October. We gathered their friends to help celebrate the remainder of their days as a swingin’ singles. The fun culminated with murder mystery dinner theater at the Vaudeville Cafe in Chattanooga, the very city where the couple met.

A fate would have it, the show was about a wedding between a clan of rednecks and an Italian family. In the interest of entertainment, all the characters were drastically exaggerated stereotypes–none more so than the bride, Ashley. She went beyond Earl and Foxworthy and chose to play a mildly retarded Jerry-Springer class redneck.

While she wandered off her groom (Vinnie) ran by our table and asked Kisha to follow him on stage for a dance. Now Kisha is a shy gal, so she delegated the request to Elise, her Maid of Honor. Up to this point the crowd had been fairly tame, but Elise’s brother John could not keep his seat when he heard music start to play. He jumped up and began to lay down his hippest disco moves. Within seconds, our whole table were on their feet and moving to the music, but we could not get up quick enough for Josh. He stood on his chair and began to work the room with an all too perfect strip tease. (Maybe it is a common trade for artists to learn when they need to moonlight during when business is slow.)

The room began to catch on, and soon everyone was dancing in the aisles …including Vinnie and Elise. About this time Ashley walked in and ran at the pair in a fit of jealous rage. Alas, Elise had been smitten by Vennie’s greasy charm and refused to leave. The furious bride declared a dance off. She began to writhe and thrust about. The fumes from Vinnie’s cologne must have clouded Elise’s mind. She looked the woman over and broke out in an intense fit of semi-controlled spasms then strutted around stage with her hand out as if to say, “you got served”. Clearly, no one does retarded redneck like my woman. Elaine Bennis has got nothin’ on Elise. The bride was nothing if not stubborn, and the two went through a half dozen rounds.

It was all so unexpected. There was not a single straight face in the crowd. Few would indulge in something so undignified in the privacy of their home, and there was Elise letting it all out in front of 150 strangers. Our table could hardly stand up. I was in tears ..from laughing (or at least that is my story). Once the show was over Elise was greeted by a few dozen of the patrons, and every cast member thanked her for her hilarious performance.

Sunday we took the kids to a small festival in Adairsville. Elise wanted to show me an overpriced trendy shop on the downtown strip. We worked our way to the back of the shop where all the socialites were discussing …well, whatever proper southern bells discuss. To our surprise, the eyes of one of the prominent women lit up. With an excited grin she asked Elise, “Weren’t you in Chattanooga last night?” The lady then explained to the other ladies that Elise was the person she had been talking about earlier. It appears news had traveled 70 miles from downtown Chattanooga overnight. Elise is a small celebrity. Enjoy your 15 minutes, dear.

A Brief History of Divorce

chris — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 14:41:45 +0000

Divorce is so prevalent these days, it seems everyone I’ve met this past year has been involved in one. Many of those that have wrestled this topic are active Christians, which implies they value marriage. I wanted to know why they failed, how are they justified, and could they have been prevented …but these topics seem too sensitive to breach with most divorcees. Rather I did a little thinking on my own, mixed with a little reading. Most of it is still tumbling about my noggin’, but I thought I’d share what I learned about the history of divorce…

Until recently issues like birth, death, welfare and marriage were all within the church’s domain. Within the past century or so authority of these issues has passed to the state. The church was reluctant to issue divorces. The state took a similar stance, denying divorces unless one spouse had significantly violated the marriage agreement. Couples determined to separate would do so by any means nessesary, which often meant perjury …or worse!

It was perjury that prompted governments to provide a straight-forward means to end a marriage without all the deceit, petty charges and arsenic. In 1970 the “no-fault divorce” law was passed. The gist of a “no-fault” divorce is that either spouse can terminate the marriage at anytime. No one needs to violate the marriage agreement and protests from the other party will not stop the proceedings.

The terms for a “no-fault” divorce differ from state-to-state. Surprisingly, New York is among the strictest states, requiring both spouses to sign a separation agreement and remain separated for a year before the proceedings can start. Could this be the reason New York has one of the lowest divorce rates in the country, significantly lower than every state in the Bible Belt? A small group began to lobby for a legal alternative that would allow couples to choose to deny themselves no-fault divorces. This new kind of marriage agreement is called a covenant marriage. The idea being that marriage would once again be a significant agreement by which a significant violation is required in order to terminate it. The most common violations are abuse, felony, adultery, abandonment, and long periods of separation. (As for the difference between abandonment and long-term separation, it is lost on me.)

Wikipedia: no-fault divorce, covenant marriage

Chewb’s Photo Shoot

Mr. Chris — Sun, 10 Aug 2003 13:55:18 +0000

Trouble spent the weekend in a cabin last weekend. She was staying with a coworker, Kevin, whilst I toured the state. Kevin took this during her stay.

Hey Boo Boo, My Boy

Mr. Chris — Mon, 21 Jul 2003 19:31:26 +0000

I don’t like company parties. From what I gather, most are trite. The ones I am familiar with are less trite and more inebriated. Ah, but Unicoi’s first company picnic was great fun.

Scott hosted the event at his cabins in Dahlonega. For those unfamiliar with the area: Dahlonega is an hour north of Atlanta (30 minutes north of Cumming). It was home to the first gold rush in America. Indeed, until railroads spanned the breadth of the continent all the gold used by the US mint came from Dahlonega. There is a large creek (and several small ones) and four known abandoned gold mines scattered about his land. He has two cabins, each made of hand-hewn logs used to build cabins that were erected during the gold rush. (In the 1800s someone tore down each of the small cabins in order to use the wood to build the two larger ones that stand today.)

There were kids, BBQ, dogs and beer. We explored one of the abandoned mines, panned for gold and swam a bit in the creek. There was plenty of Fool’s Gold but nothing anyone thought was legit. Scott blessed the food and I think it may have multiplied cause no matter how much was ate there were still days worth of left over. There is talk about a possible Unicoi Paintball game in the futures. (Hot dog!)

I’ve decided to purchase a home. I’ve enlisted the aid of Lydia Kefauver. The gears are in motion: I’m a about to request a credit report, I’ve started to list 5 things I must have and 5 I can’t stand in a home and I’ve started saving for a down payment. That last part is not going to be easy. Lydia has asked me (in a round about way) to cut out my daily lunch at Subway. Oh the humanity! Can anything acquired in this life be worth so much suffering!?

If you’ve never seen Gandhi, rent it. Ben Kingsley (“Give me the box, Marty”) does a superb job, especially with the accent. Gandhi fascinates me. Any stubborn idealist might make an interesting character. Gandhi may be the most stubborn idealist to have ever walked the planet. Beware, the film is long enough to require an intermission.