Shame
I’ve done a great deal of thinking this year about shame. Is it counter productive or harmful? Is it ever appropriate? This past Sunday the brain cogs fell in place and the machine in my head finally turned out something worth sharing. My epiphany involves the relationship between shame and repentance.
First a few definitions: Shame comes from feeling unworthy, embarrassed, disgraced or responsible for an offense. Repentance means to be motivated by shame to change one’s mind. It implies an effort to avoid or counter the shameful act in the future. To clarify, repentance does not imply success. It merely implies effort.
Be definition shame must precede repentance, if only momentarily. Yet the two are meant to be mutually exclusive. A repentant soul shouldn’t be ashamed. In fact, any shame that remains in a repentant heart is the unhealthy sort meant to destroy us from the inside out. There is no truth or value to those internal accusations.
Shame can blind people to their own worth and obfuscate the most obvious solutions. It is our job to help guide ashamed people so they find quick and free release through repentance. We are also obliged to help people let go of residual shame once they have repented. People that deny or disbelieve heartfelt apologies seal shame and repentance in the same heart and are responsible for the damage done within.
It is silly to expect repentance from someone who feels justified or proud of their actions. I propose it is better to convince them of their shame first. If a child lies without remorse, shouldn’t we tell them they are a liar and treat them as untrustworthy. The goal isn’t to destroy their ego. Repentance is quick and free, even if it isn’t always easy. Sometimes I get the impression society expects us to preserve our children’s egos at the expense of their souls. If shame doesn’t come naturally and we can’t push them towards it then how will they ever learn and grow?
Community, Part 2
Elise and I have no need to watch The Wire. We prefer to gather around our bedroom window around noon and watch the drug dealers peddle their wares across the street. Our original goal was to help the police interrupt their unscrupulous transactions, but law enforcement proved too slow and our patience proved too short. I put on my best Eastwood persona and made it clear we were wise to their wicked ways. My brazen show flushed the quarry. The roaches have regrouped beyond the view of our bedroom, but probably not beyond walking distance of our house. Most of their customers are too young to drive.
The drug deals weren’t the first sign of trouble around our home. Check out this lovely piece of guerrilla art someone left just 25 feet from my home–on the same corner as our pushers run their black market pharmacy no less!
Our first instinct was to move north to a more sterile suburb. Urban planners call this “white flight”. The idea frustrated me. By no means do I live in “the hood” but I like the social, cultural and economic diversity of our neighborhood. Lord love soccer moms, but I’d like my kids to be exposed to something more. I’ve since learned that reasonably priced homes and less diverse neighborhoods suffer from the same crimes.
That is when it occurring to me that a neighborhood watch works best as a preventive measure. We had best start our own while the problem is small. This week we are canvasing the neighborhood to rally the troops. So far the idea has been well received, which is a relief because we need 124 of the 165 houses to participate if we are to secure premium services from the police. It will take a few months before our posse ramps up to it’s full momentum, so until then we are encouraging people to:
- walk, jog or bike through the streets
- foster community privately: get to know your neighbors
- foster community publically: support neighborhood events like holiday parties, chili cook offs
- arrange your home so you’ll spend time around windows that face the street
Welcome Home Bruiser!
Meet Bruiser, the first Sheppard Dog to earn his keep around the house. No one is going to break into our house with a mug like that staring out the window.
Bed n’ Breakfast, Emphasis on the Breakfast
Has it been a year already? Elise and I spent Memorial Day weekend at the Washington Plantation in Washington, GA. Why pay money to lounge around and read books at someone else’s house? Breakfast. The food was so good, I almost didn’t mind the spending the weekend with wife 1.0. (I keed. I keed.)
It Takes Two …Maybe More
David borrowed the kids for several weeks, so I figured it was time to repopulate the house. Elise disagrees.
!?
My original 5-year plan outlined things like babies and family finances. While Elise thinks the plan is swell, she points out my financial numbers don’t quite add up properly. I never was much of a mathamagician. The plan presumes we’ll both be able to work in some capacity but there are no local family members we can leave the tyke with during the week and we can’t let the little guy waste all those “precious moments” on strangers. Elise is confident that next year we will be in a better position to risk a single family income. I’m certain she means well, but each passing day she is exposed to the most potent form of birth control: a pair of teenagers. For this reason I’ve constructed my own high-tech solution to accelerate us to fiscal stability: Internet Panhandling! Potential corporate sponsors, imagine the publicity if I were to name my child after your company …all for a small donation, of course.
As Maude Flanders once put it, “Won’t somebody please think of the children!?”