Don’t Bite the Hand that Cleans You
The last quarter of the year is always difficult for Sheppard House. Every October our necessary obligations escalate into an avalanche that clogs the family calendar until January. Every year we get a little better at taming the holiday schedule. This year our deft family management ushered in the tranquility that accompanies the new year nearly a month early. Elise even managed to apply some of the slack in the schedule to whittle through some items we placed on the back burner. Among them was dental appointments.
As the dental hygienist made conversation she made a passing mention at the volume of business the dentist oversees near Christmas. She could not understand why so many people scheduled dental appointments around the holidays. I politely explained that dentists were in a service industry, yet they work the same hours as their clients. Hence, the clients must use their time off to schedule service. I compared it to banks, who have recently begun to change their schedules. Although my point was valid I probably should have held my tongue until she was finished wielding those sharp instruments in my mouth. Mental note: dental hygienists are very protective of their office hours.
Shame
I’ve done a great deal of thinking this year about shame. Is it counter productive or harmful? Is it ever appropriate? This past Sunday the brain cogs fell in place and the machine in my head finally turned out something worth sharing. My epiphany involves the relationship between shame and repentance.
First a few definitions: Shame comes from feeling unworthy, embarrassed, disgraced or responsible for an offense. Repentance means to be motivated by shame to change one’s mind. It implies an effort to avoid or counter the shameful act in the future. To clarify, repentance does not imply success. It merely implies effort.
Be definition shame must precede repentance, if only momentarily. Yet the two are meant to be mutually exclusive. A repentant soul shouldn’t be ashamed. In fact, any shame that remains in a repentant heart is the unhealthy sort meant to destroy us from the inside out. There is no truth or value to those internal accusations.
Shame can blind people to their own worth and obfuscate the most obvious solutions. It is our job to help guide ashamed people so they find quick and free release through repentance. We are also obliged to help people let go of residual shame once they have repented. People that deny or disbelieve heartfelt apologies seal shame and repentance in the same heart and are responsible for the damage done within.
It is silly to expect repentance from someone who feels justified or proud of their actions. I propose it is better to convince them of their shame first. If a child lies without remorse, shouldn’t we tell them they are a liar and treat them as untrustworthy. The goal isn’t to destroy their ego. Repentance is quick and free, even if it isn’t always easy. Sometimes I get the impression society expects us to preserve our children’s egos at the expense of their souls. If shame doesn’t come naturally and we can’t push them towards it then how will they ever learn and grow?
05.28.08It Takes Two …Maybe More
David borrowed the kids for several weeks, so I figured it was time to repopulate the house. Elise disagrees.
!?
My original 5-year plan outlined things like babies and family finances. While Elise thinks the plan is swell, she points out my financial numbers don’t quite add up properly. I never was much of a mathamagician. The plan presumes we’ll both be able to work in some capacity but there are no local family members we can leave the tyke with during the week and we can’t let the little guy waste all those “precious moments” on strangers. Elise is confident that next year we will be in a better position to risk a single family income. I’m certain she means well, but each passing day she is exposed to the most potent form of birth control: a pair of teenagers. For this reason I’ve constructed my own high-tech solution to accelerate us to fiscal stability: Internet Panhandling! Potential corporate sponsors, imagine the publicity if I were to name my child after your company …all for a small donation, of course.
As Maude Flanders once put it, “Won’t somebody please think of the children!?”
05.6.08Verizon’s Lame SMS Policies
Cell phones are standard parenting equipment. Kids can wander far from the house yet never be out of ear shot when an emergency arises. The phone means security to parents. It means freedom and power for kids. Madison was recently caught abusing her phone privileges. The evidence were text messages left in her inbox. It is nearly impossible to catch these incriminating messages because she is smart enough to promptly delete them.
I called Verizon to learn of any service that might let me review her text messages on-line or possibly have them forwarded to my phone. I’d expect something like this given Verizon charges $655.36 for 1 MB of text messages. The representative informed me that Verizon did not provide these kinds of services because each would be an invasion of privacy. Excuse me? I explained that I was her legal guardian and paid for the account. He explained that I would need a warrant in order to see the messages since I am not the owner of the phone. I thought I might register her phone in my name. I asked if Verizon could disclose to me my own text messages since there would be no privacy issue. He answered that the only way to view the message was on the phone or with a warrant. I find it hard to believe Verizon does not keep a record of these tiny messages. Google grants me 7 gigabytes of space for free. Verizon charges us a 7314% markup on data costs to send these God forsaken tendy messages. (Not that I’m bitter.)
American concept of “right to privacy” is a load of crap. You get back here young lady! Don’t think I won’t pursue that warrant!
04.1.08Party Procedures and Asthetics
My son is throwing his first “party”. I believe he intends to break from the “cake and games” and turn more towards “girls and music”. Party planning has been a very humbling process. all my contributions reveals how out of touch I am with what is “cool”.
Some examples: We checked Noah out of school without giving him notice. This prevented him from introducing himself to two students he planned to invite to his party. I suggested he invite them as a means of making friends. Evidently that’s a big pre-party foul. It would be “awkward”. He asked if I had ever been invited to a party where I knew no one and to his surprise I had–several times. He follows up with a no-win question: “were you my age when this happened”? We’ve had enough of these conversations for me to know how this particular questions plays out. If I say “no” then my arguments aren’t valid because of the age difference. If I reply “yes” then he will explain how things have changed since I was his age.
I could not get Noah to help with th invitations, so I was forced to work on them alone. I knew I ought not describe it as a “birthday party”. That would be infantile. I stuck to a simple, plain design. Any graphics or fonts might trip my sons ever-so-sensitive coolometer. He’s invited about ten kids. Two are white girls. The rest are asian boys that like video games. I thought it might be cool to play a 10-man Super Smash Brother Brawl tournament with a cash money prize during the party. Noah tried to politely tell me it wasn’t a “video game party” and I should also remove the phrase “food, music and fun” from the invitation. That left nothing but a bare skeleton of the most crucial information on the invitation. Whatever.
This afternoon he built the party play list from our massive music collection. He finds 1.5 hours of music before he apologetically informs me that nearly all the music he selected are songs I did not rate well, implying our tastes were worlds apart. The truth is I rated 68% of the songs he selected 4 or more stars. Only 3 tracks have bad ratings. It grates me because Noah tends to see what he wants, and I suspect he wants to believe his tastes are different from mine. I know, I know: Time to let the boy spread his wings, express himself and whatnot. I just wish he could look objectively at the aesthetics, rather than choose crap on a stick just because I didn’t. I was mildly relieved when he turned down his sister’s aid as well. Madison is very in touch with the young teen scene–especially neutral, peppy party music. So what made his play list? Lots of Cake, a smidge of Weezer, Don’t Go There by 24k, Julianne and Babylon Zoo. The irony, it’s crushing me.