Curse ye Double Parkers!
My wife has really run with this whole neighborhood watch. I suspect she may be leading a double life as a local crime fighter. I considered her example and how I too might contribute to society as I patrolled a parking lot for a free space. I came upon a pretentious double parked SUV. I had nothing with which to write the owner a nasty note, nor time to damage his vehicle. All I could do was stew in my impotent road parking lot rage. As I watched Madison practice at the stunt clinic I began to formulate a solution to my problem. I decided I would keep a short stack of notes to leave on cars I find double parked. Flyin’ Bryan helped me articulate my rage into appropriate curses. I included one on each note. Below are a few samples. Here is the complete set.
You are selfishly consuming two parking spaces. Learn to park or let someone else drive. I sentence you to an underwater vacuum sealed mortuary with the ghosts of a thousand filthy hippies.
and
You are selfishly consuming two parking spaces. Learn to park or let someone else drive. May your breath continuously reek of the meat of the Mujahmjah bean.
…and there’s more where that came from!
Bourbon’s Not My Cup of Tea
Earlier this summer a blog post over at Mental_Floss piqued my interest in bourbon. I like the warm after taste from special winter beers that are spend time in old bourbon and whiskey casks so it stands to reason I might enjoy the bourbon that originally occupied the casks. I’d never admit it, but most of what I know about distinguished booze was passed to me through my old college roommate, Ian. He recommended a few noteworthy brands that were economically priced. I settled on Knob Creek. Today I resign my attempts to become a distinguished bourbon connoisseur. I tried to sample it on the rocks but I can’t taste anything under the heat of the alcohol. I’ve tried to add dashes of water to mellow it out, but by the time the heat tolerable the flavor is washed out. Most bourbon based cocktails called for a mix of sweet and sour elements. I can handle those cocktails, but anything short of an Old Fashioned and (as Ian put it) I might as well add a frilly umbrella and pineapple wedge. I’d even take a trendy Mojito over a classic Mint Julep.
Community, Part 2
Elise and I have no need to watch The Wire. We prefer to gather around our bedroom window around noon and watch the drug dealers peddle their wares across the street. Our original goal was to help the police interrupt their unscrupulous transactions, but law enforcement proved too slow and our patience proved too short. I put on my best Eastwood persona and made it clear we were wise to their wicked ways. My brazen show flushed the quarry. The roaches have regrouped beyond the view of our bedroom, but probably not beyond walking distance of our house. Most of their customers are too young to drive.
The drug deals weren’t the first sign of trouble around our home. Check out this lovely piece of guerrilla art someone left just 25 feet from my home–on the same corner as our pushers run their black market pharmacy no less!
Our first instinct was to move north to a more sterile suburb. Urban planners call this “white flight”. The idea frustrated me. By no means do I live in “the hood” but I like the social, cultural and economic diversity of our neighborhood. Lord love soccer moms, but I’d like my kids to be exposed to something more. I’ve since learned that reasonably priced homes and less diverse neighborhoods suffer from the same crimes.
That is when it occurring to me that a neighborhood watch works best as a preventive measure. We had best start our own while the problem is small. This week we are canvasing the neighborhood to rally the troops. So far the idea has been well received, which is a relief because we need 124 of the 165 houses to participate if we are to secure premium services from the police. It will take a few months before our posse ramps up to it’s full momentum, so until then we are encouraging people to:
- walk, jog or bike through the streets
- foster community privately: get to know your neighbors
- foster community publically: support neighborhood events like holiday parties, chili cook offs
- arrange your home so you’ll spend time around windows that face the street
Horns, Birds & Spitball Cannons…
Atlanta ranked 6 on a list of cities with the least courteous drivers. To think, if we had honked more horn or flipped more bird we might have made it on the infographic featured on AutoVantage’s website. The report doesn’t surprise me. Atlanta isn’t a font of southern hospitality.
I’m not immune to the air of hostility that is so prevalent on our roads. In fact, just yesterday I was pondering the tools I’d need to better express myself to those I share the road with. First I need to replace my car’s horn with a megaphone so I can better communicate with my fellow drivers. Second, I need a mechanical spit-wad cannon mounted to the hood of my car. Some guy would be all like, “ha! ha! I just cut you off …without using my blinker!” His erratic driving would catch me off guard, but I’d quickly regain my composure, lock onto him with my targeting computer and unleash a wad of toilet paper saturated in justice! His car would swerve and I’d watch it explode in my rear view mirror.
I’ve yet to find a hood mounted mechanical spit-wad cannon, so I suppose I’ll just have to live with this.
05.12.08(Not so) Bright Idea
Today I vow to never purchase another compact florescent light bulb.
- They take time to warm up to their full potential.
- Even at the full potential, they don’t light a room well.
- They cost 750% more than a traditional bulb.
- They aren’t more durable. They still blow in less than a year.
- I begrudge the people who tell me I’ll “save” money if I install them in my home.
- They are ugly.
I’m all about saving the earth but we need a better lighting alternative.
Today I found an article about a bulb that still works after 107 years! I don’t know which is more amazing, the life span of the ancient bulb or the fact it has its own web page! Okay, the site is pretty drab, but the fact it could register its own domain quite a feat.